Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
