I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Boobs are out for the taking
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
