Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
