I puked a lego.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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