Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
