who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
whose ass print is on the piano?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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