Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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