i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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