woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
