You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
3 2 1 whiskey
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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