Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
