reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
