It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
