it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
