I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
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