I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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