Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
