You were right. It hurts to walk today.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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