My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
