I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
