Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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