I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
