Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
