I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
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