She is in my trunk
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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