Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
