Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
