the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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