i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
