I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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