I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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