I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
