in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
