Cold hands, warm shart.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
