Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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