Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
only you would photoshop your dick
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
