i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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