How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
He kissed a someone with a penis
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
