Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
