You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
