Im at strip club and am horny
I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
