I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
