im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Of course I have a pirate flag
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
