That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
