If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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