My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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