I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
