If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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