An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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