she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You made out with two different species that night
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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